Attachment Styles & Trauma: How EMDR Therapy Can Help
- Kassandra Barry, LCSW-C, LICSW, CTP
- 6 days ago
- 6 min read
Have you ever wondered why relationships can feel intense, confusing, or draining? Do you tend to avoid relationships, fearing the difficulty they may bring? Do you tend to "cling" to a relationship and fear being alone? Or is it a little bit of both? Well, your attachment style has a lot to do with how you show up in your relationships.
Attachment styles shape how we connect with others. It affects how safe we feel with closeness. Also, how we handle conflict or distance with those close to us. Attachment patterns start early in life. They are strongly shaped by painful and traumatic events, especially those involving our relationships with others. In my experience as a therapist who specializes in treating attachment and relationship trauma, I often meet people who are aware of the different attachment styles and how they can impact relationships. However, despite this, many feel stuck in the same patterns.
Also, it's important to note that attachment styles that are not secure are not always a result of a traumatic event. Events that aren't traumatic but were painful, humiliating, or upsetting can have the same effects on our attachment styles and relationships that traumatic events do.
Attachment wounds aren't just painful memories that live in your mind. They also live in your body, more specifically, the nervous system. Trauma-focused approaches, such as EMDR, are effective in treating attachment wounds.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are how we connect with other people and are shaped by our early caregiving experiences. When our early relationships are safe, responsive, and consistent, we usually develop a secure attachment. On the other hand, when those relationships are unsafe, unpredictable, and inconsistent, insecure attachment patterns can develop.
Attachment styles are not diagnoses (or disorders, syndromes, illnesses, or anything like that); they are adaptive responses. Even though it may not seem like it now, they helped you survive and stay safe. Problems occur when these response patterns stick around after the threat is gone. For example, if, as a young child, you learned that you received love and praise on the condition that you appease your caregiver, even when it meant your needs were neglected. Then, as an adult, you may continue to people-please despite the cost to you, even if it causes problems in your adult relationships. The pattern still exists, but it isn't serving you any longer. And knowing that is not enough to stop the pattern.
This is why talk therapy or surface-level changes are often not enough to change these patterns. Trauma-informed therapies that get to the root cause are the most effective, which is why they naturally align with attachment work.
The Four Main Attachment Styles and How Trauma Affects Each One
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally present, attentive, and consistent. Securely attached adults can feel close to others while also being independent with relative ease. They also repair conflicts well and can develop trust within themselves and with other people.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is usually the product of inconsistency and emotional unpredictability. People with anxious attachment are very sensitive to rejection and fear abandonment. They tend to overthink in their relationships, overanalyze conversations, and catastrophize minor issues. It's not uncommon to "scan" for possible problems in relationships, and with that, problems (even the ones that seem non-existent) are usually detected. This common trauma response is linked to hypervigilance.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment can form when emotional needs are dismissed, minimized, or criticized. It's the result of being told too often, "you're too sensitive", "Why do you make such a big deal out of everything?", or "you need to get over it". (It's not hard to see why this causes a problem!) Adults with an avoidant attachment style come across as emotionally distant, feeling uncomfortable with emotions and vulnerability, and a strong sense of independence to mask deeper attachment wounds.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is associated with painful or adverse childhood experiences and early trauma. It can look like a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. People with disorganized attachment crave closeness but also feel unsafe with it. If you are in a relationship with someone with this type of attachment style, it can seem like they really like you one day and not so much the next. If you have this attachment style, it can be difficult to sort out your feelings and know what you want in a relationship.
How Trauma Impacts Attachment in Adult Relationships
Just because something very painful or traumatic happened in the past doesn't mean that it will stay in the past. We can still be reminded of them, and these reminders can cause negative thoughts, intense emotions, intrusive memories, and physical sensations or discomfort.
Many adults with attachment wounds notice patterns such as:
Feeling easily overwhelmed, fearful, or anxious by closeness or distance
Intense emotional reactions that are out of proportion
Difficulty trusting others or seeking constant reassurance
Emotionally shutting down or feeling numb during conflict
These are not signs that you're "too much" or can't have a good relationship. They're signs of unresolved trauma. This is why attachment work overlaps with complex trauma therapy. Attachment wounds need more than traditional relationship counseling to be properly addressed.
Why Attachment Wounds Don't Heal Through Insight Alone
Knowing your attachment style can feel validating. You recognize that you're not the only one who has these struggles in relationships. Even if you already knew that, a reminder can feel reassuring. However, knowledge and insight aren't enough to change our attachment styles because the issue is not about how knowledgable you are about this stuff. Instead, it has to do with how your nervous system is affected by traumatic events.
Attachment trauma is not just a narrative memory, but a bodily and emotional one as well. You may know that you are safe now, but your body may not understand that and will react as if the past is happening again. Despite talking yourself through it and reminding yourself that there is nothing to be worried about ad nauseum, the feelings persist. This is the point where many people feel frustrated with talk therapy alone and with themselves. (I cannot begin to count the number of times I have heard some variation of this from people who contact me for EMDR therapy.)
Healing is most effective when the body and mind are engaged in the process. We help rework your nervous system, so you don't go into a tailspin each time you're faced with relationship challenge. This is the core of trauma-focused therapy.
How EMDR Therapy Helps Heal Attachment Trauma
Now we know we need to engage the body and mind to heal from attachment trauma. But how? What type of therapy can do that and be effective? As you may have guessed from the heading, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy is an excellent choice for such a task.
EMDR therapy works well for attachment trauma because it targets the experiences that shape core beliefs about ourselves. Traumatic, painful, or adverse experiences can lead us to believe we are unsafe, unlovable, or unworthy. EMDR allows us to reprocess the events that created these negative, distorted beliefs about ourselves. It doesn't rely on endless analysis of attachment patterns. You don't need to remember to act differently in an emotionally-charged situation when you don't have the wherewithal to even do that in the first place. It uses natural brain mechanisms to create effective and lasting changes.
Over time, this can lead to:
Calmer reactions or less emotional intensity
Feeling more comfortable being close to others
A stronger sense of safety and being in control of yourself
Shifting negative, distorted beliefs to more realistic ones
Many people find that EMDR therapy for attachment trauma allows deep, meaningful changes to happen. It's not a matter of "trying harder" or "controlling your emotions". It's a matter of targeting the root cause and your nervous system recalibrating.
What Healing Attachment Trauma Can Do For You
Healing doesn't mean becoming a whole new person. You're still you, and as you heal, you will notice subtle changes.
Many people report the following changes:
Handling conflict with more confidence and ease
Feeling more secure without constant reassurance
Being able to respond thoughtfully without an intense emotional reaction
Enjoying and appreciating relationships as oppose to them being a constant source of stress
These changes occur at a gradual and steady pace when attachment wounds are treated with care. It's important to pace ourselves and listen to what our bodies and minds are telling us.
When to Consider Trauma Therapy for Attachment Issues
Attachment trauma therapy may benefit you if you feel:
Stuck in the same relationship patterns despite efforts to change
Intense emotions that seem out of proportion or don't make sense
Relationships are hopeless or not right for you
You must be in a relationship to feel worthy
A trauma-informed therapist can help you do more than just cope with unpleasant feelings. They can help you heal from avoidance and anxiety in relationships so you can enjoy them as you should.
Moving Forward
If any of this sounds like it applies to you, keep in mind that you're not broken. You learned what you needed to for survival. With the right support, you can get out of survival mode and feel complete.
If you want to know how EMDR can help you heal, visit the links below to learn more about EMDR. If you're in Maryland, Virginia, or Washington, DC, and would like to set up a free 15-minute consultation, click the "Schedule Now" button below.
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